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‘Kick foreigners out or scream at them to come and take our jobs – which is it?’

We created problems with Brexit now we are expecting foreigners to come in and bail us out says, Mark Steel, as Britain starts to look like like some annoying bloke whose wife leaves them after years of him screaming at her, then begs her to come back

We sent foreigners packing and now we are short of drivers says Mark Steel

We need to make our minds up. Do we want to kick out ­foreigners or not? It’s not fair to spend 20 years screaming at them for taking our jobs, then scream at them to please come back and take our jobs. We’ll be told we have a condition, called “Kick Them Out Regret Desperate Petrol Anxiety Syndrome”.

We’re like some annoying bloke whose wife leaves them after years of him screaming at her, then begs her to come back. British immigration policy is: “I’ll be different this time, I promise. I’m useless without you.

“I haven’t slept because I’m out all night wandering the streets looking for petrol, and all my strawberries have gone rotten. I need you, doll, I’ve changed, don’t stay in Poland, come back.”

But we haven’t even learned to beg properly, because the Government has proposed a solution of relaxing immigration laws for three months.

That’s a tempting offer. It’s surprising that tourist boards don’t advertise holidays like this. “This year why not enjoy a relaxing break in a country that recently told you to p*ss off home. Delight in the wonderful views of the M6 as you deliver five tons of mushrooms to Morrisons in Stoke, then on Christmas Eve they’ll tell you to p*ss off home again.”

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Minister Simon Clarke said none of our problems were because of Brexit, as “every other country is experiencing the same problems”. This is strange, because there don’t appear to be petrol shortages in France or Germany or Italy.

This must be because these countries are only half a mile long so you don’t need so much petrol to get round them.

One scheme suggested by ministers is we ask “people convicted of minor offences” to drive our lorries. That should work. When a kid’s caught joyriding, we can say to him “now can you joyride a truck full of piglets up to Darlington”.

He might destroy the central barrier along a six-mile stretch of the A1 when he can’t resist a handbrake turn, but we’re in no position to be fussy. If we do try this, we should start with Vote Leave, which was fined for breaking electoral campaign spending limits. Nigel Farage can spend the next few years delivering clothes to branches of Primark. Doing a job once done by a foreigner, he’ll be living his dream.

But even this won’t be enough. Next week the Government will tell us there are 50,000 stray dogs in Britain. So they will all be fast-tracked for an HGV licence. Examiners will be told not to disqualify them on their test for minor infringements such as humping the gear stick, or driving through a branch of Nando’s to chase a ball.

Then they can drive six tons of broccoli from Plymouth to Bolton, but they’ll turn round and bring it straight back again, barking until you reload the lorry and ask them to do it all again.

People say: “We’ll get through it, we’ll be fine, we got through The Blitz.”

That’s quite true. The only difference is – we didn’t VOTE FOR THE BLOODY BLITZ DID WE?

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