Kerry Katona may have given up the ghost just five minutes in, but her brief encounter on Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins reminds us why we love her
There were some incredible scenes on Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins on Channel 4 tonight.
Viewers quickly discovered exactly why Ant Middleton and his team had pulled Kerry Katona and Ulrika Jonsson in for the infamous head-in-a-hood grilling during last Sunday’s opening episode.
It wasn’t that they were big fans of Gladiators and Atomic Kitten back in the day and they wanted to meet their favourite pin-ups in the more intimate, candlelit surroundings of the interview hut.
I mean, that might have been part of the reason obviously – especially for Ant who seems to be a little more taken by the celebrity world than his military mates.
Mainly though, I suspect their motivation for dragging Kerry and Ulrika in for the one-to-one chats as soon as possible was simple: They didn’t expect either of them to stick it out in the wilds of Scotland for very long.
And that’s how it turned out. Within the first five minutes of tonight’s show a tearful and exhausted Kerry, 40, had handed in her number and headed off for the comfy bed and – you’d hope – the all-you-can-eat Iceland platter on room service.
Ulrika, 53, fared a little better. She made it to the end of the episode, before the SAS guys decided that the “medical reasons” that had dogged her from the start would not survive being pushed backwards out of a helicopter into the icy waters of a Scottish loch.
That left only four women standing on this year’s show: Loose Women panellist Saira Khan, Geordie Shore star Vicky Pattison, singer Alexandra Burke and BMX Olympian Shanaze Reade.
Saira and Vicky have already been warned that their cards have been marked so it wouldn’t be a huge surprise if the female contingent was reduced even further in the next episode.
If Saira does go, at least she will be able to say she was part of the best 10 seconds of dialogue you will hear on TV all year.
“What was the mission?”
“To rescue the hostage.”
“Tell me what you did.”
“I shot the hostage.”
(Pause) “No.5, Saira, has failed the task.”
As for Kerry, it was really odd that she chose to go when she did.
I mean, no one would have been that shocked to hear the voiceover guy say the words, “Kerry Katona is the first recruit to leave the course.”
However, after all she’d been through in the first episode you would not have expected a “fifty press-ups in the midnight rain” punishment to be the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Who knows, perhaps the trauma of pouring her heart out in that interview had proved too much for her.
It certainly took its toll on Middleton, who, by the end of it, looked like he was regretting asking her, “What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to deal with?”
Then again, maybe Kerry was simply annoyed that she’d stripped down to her underwear on camera but wasn’t able to boost her Only Fans account balance in the process.
Of course, there’s also a small chance that she’d been given a tip-off that the next day’s challenges would include mud-wrestling with her fellow recruits and that whole being shoved backwards out of a helicopter thing.
Whatever her reasons, at least Kerry can have the satisfaction of knowing that she provided several memorable moments during her brief stint on the show. If Kerry holding hands with Ulrika as they braved those rancid outdoor toilet stalls together isn’t up for TV Moment Of The Year at next year’s BAFTAs, we should all boycott it in protest (“I might need my hand to wipe, Ulrika.”).
Kerry also treated us to one of the finest, most self-deprecating introductions in reality TV show history:
“I’m most known for being unstable, getting married loads, having loads of kids, bankruptcy, drugs, you name it, I’ve done it.”
As she celebrates her birthday this week, she can proudly add taking part in Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins to that list.
Go on, Kezza. Treat yourself to another prawn ring on me. You’ve earned it.